The National Pork Board recently determined that the slogan "Pork: The Other White Meat" was played out, replacing it with the (apparently) much hipper "Pork: Be Inspired." How any board, let alone one whose president may end every meeting by saying "That's all folks!", determines that their long-standing slogan is no longer effective is not something I have any insight to. I do, however, know that the new slogan is effective. After all, after eating a pork chop dinner, I often feel inspired... Inspired to nap.
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We're now just days away from Selection Sunday, meaning that picking bracket winners will soon be a topic of much discussion. If you're looking for a strategy to pick the winners of the 68-team field, I have a quick suggestion to pass along...
1. Write the names of all 68 teams on 3x5 cards.
2. On the back of each card, write the name of an alum of that school.
3. Draw a picture of each school's mascot on each card.
4. Compose a haiku poem about each mascot.
5. Read the haiku poems to the clerk at your nearest gas station.
6. Shake off the clerk's taunts and go back home.
7. Dip all the 3x5 cards that you previously wrote on in cake batter.
8. Place all cards in a 10-gallon hat.
9. Place the hat in a trash bag.
10. Hang the bag on a dart board.
11. Throw the dart board, bag, and all cards away.
12. Pick K-State to win it all.
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Upon picking up my mail today, I came to the realization that someone needs to invent a device that automatically trashes junk mail the moment that it is inserted into a mailbox. Unfortunately, I possess neither the cognitive ability nor the mechanical inclination manufacture such a product. Readers, I urge you to contact me if you are capable of inventing such a product. I'll even split the profits with you, 90-10. Hello, lucrative riches.
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We're now just days away from Selection Sunday, meaning that picking bracket winners will soon be a topic of much discussion. If you're looking for a strategy to pick the winners of the 68-team field, I have a quick suggestion to pass along...
1. Write the names of all 68 teams on 3x5 cards.
2. On the back of each card, write the name of an alum of that school.
3. Draw a picture of each school's mascot on each card.
4. Compose a haiku poem about each mascot.
5. Read the haiku poems to the clerk at your nearest gas station.
6. Shake off the clerk's taunts and go back home.
7. Dip all the 3x5 cards that you previously wrote on in cake batter.
8. Place all cards in a 10-gallon hat.
9. Place the hat in a trash bag.
10. Hang the bag on a dart board.
11. Throw the dart board, bag, and all cards away.
12. Pick K-State to win it all.
----------
Upon picking up my mail today, I came to the realization that someone needs to invent a device that automatically trashes junk mail the moment that it is inserted into a mailbox. Unfortunately, I possess neither the cognitive ability nor the mechanical inclination manufacture such a product. Readers, I urge you to contact me if you are capable of inventing such a product. I'll even split the profits with you, 90-10. Hello, lucrative riches.
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