With Bill Snyder firmly in place as head football coach of the Kansas State Wildcats, the big question now is who will end up being on Snyder's coaching staff. In his previous stint as the leader of the Wildcats (a 17 year period heretofore referred to as "the good old days"), Snyder continually assembled coaching staffs with more collective knowledge than Stephan Hawking's book club.
We all know that Bill needs no assistance in picking assistants (if today was Homonym Awareness Day, that would be a pretty slick statement... but I don't think such a day exists), but I think it's my duty to my reader(s) to offer up a few ideas anyway. Proceed with caution.
Offensive coordinator/quarterbacks coach - John Madden
Anyway familiar with Coach Snyder realizes that he basically serves as his own OC. (Hint to those unfamiliar with football: I'm not referring to some teen drama television program that was about as watchable as a rotting pumpkin) He calls his own plays, be it first-and-10 or fourth-and-one. The offensive coordinator title, therefore, is kind of a glamor thing. With that being the case, why not give the spot to a big name.
Madden's resume is impressive enough. The turducken fan has a Super Bowl ring and was the youngest NFL head coach to 100 career regular season victories. Such information serves as proof that he once did more than continually repeat the obvious and draw things on a teleprompter. If Madden was ever called on to direct the offense, he could simply plug John Madden Football '94 into his Sega Genesis and use the playbooks found within.
The downside to a Madden hire would be that K-State would have to invest in a teleprompter for him to play with up in the pressbox. Snyder might also tire of hearing "boom" or "pow" in situations that don't necessitate it. After all, a bumped elbow probably doesn't call for "he'll be feeling that one tomorrow."
Defensive coordinator/defensive line coach - Obi Wan Kenobi
The "Jedi mind trick" could be valuable in many areas of life, and football is definitely one of them. Poor, weak-minded quarterbacks would not know what to tell their coaches after checking to an option left when three defenders were blitzing to that side of the field. "Sorry coach, something just told me that your call wasn't the play we were looking for."
Sure, the fact that he's not only fictional; not only fictional and overqualified; but fictional, overqualified, and deceased could pose some problems, but the man sliced Darth Maul in half. I'm certainly not going to take him out of the running for such trivial issues.
Special teams coach - Kathy Ireland
Ms. Ireland once played a kicker in Necessary Roughness... Works for me.
(Note from the editor in charge of making the author not sound shallow: What he means to say is, "I'm sure she has an abundance of knowledge when it comes to the Xs and Os of special teams, and she'd be an excellent addition to the coaching staff."... Yeah, that's it.)
Running backs coach - Whoever created Tecmo Super Bowl
I have never seen running backs dominate like they can on that game. Be it Bo Jackson, Barry Sanders, or Christian Okoye, Mr. Tecmo seems to know how to get backs to make defenders look foolish. Don't think I wouldn't enjoy seeing KSU running backs employ the zig-zag "running from an alligator" style if it meant more rushing yards.
Receivers coach - Kevin McCallister
If you're asking "who?" right now, you obviously need to waste more time watching movies. Kevin is the kid off Home Alone and Home Alone 2. You'll have to follow my line of thinking here (which is often a dangerous path). Jerry Rice, the best receiver to ever play, developed his hands by catching bricks. Mr. McCallister is very accurate with his brick tossing, thus it seems natural to give him the opportunity to work with some receivers at the collegiate level.
The downside is that this hire comes with the risk of potential lawsuits at the hands (literally) of angry recruits.
Offensive line coach - The guy who greets people as they enter Best Buy
Do you know this guy? If not, run to your nearest Best Buy right now (I'll wait) and see if you can enter the store without getting a "hey man," "what's up, dude," or "how's it going, buddy" from the guy by the entrance. He continually delays those trying to track down intended purchases. Now consider that the job of the offensive line is to delay those trying to track down the intended ball carrier. Sure, it might be weird when the Wildcat offensive tackle tries to strike up a conversation with the defensive end instead of going for a cut block... but it just might work.
Linebackers coach - Terry Tate
K-State had some definite issues with tackling in 2008. I've never seen the office linebacker whiff on a potential hit. Leadership, knowledge, and intimidation? Tate will handle all such areas, and more.
Defensive backs coach - Mario Smith
He's a former Wildcat safety and was the defensive MVP of the 1995 Holiday Bowl... Who am I kidding? This suggestion is mostly because it gives me an excuse to end with this.
We all know that Bill needs no assistance in picking assistants (if today was Homonym Awareness Day, that would be a pretty slick statement... but I don't think such a day exists), but I think it's my duty to my reader(s) to offer up a few ideas anyway. Proceed with caution.
Offensive coordinator/quarterbacks coach - John Madden
Anyway familiar with Coach Snyder realizes that he basically serves as his own OC. (Hint to those unfamiliar with football: I'm not referring to some teen drama television program that was about as watchable as a rotting pumpkin) He calls his own plays, be it first-and-10 or fourth-and-one. The offensive coordinator title, therefore, is kind of a glamor thing. With that being the case, why not give the spot to a big name.
Madden's resume is impressive enough. The turducken fan has a Super Bowl ring and was the youngest NFL head coach to 100 career regular season victories. Such information serves as proof that he once did more than continually repeat the obvious and draw things on a teleprompter. If Madden was ever called on to direct the offense, he could simply plug John Madden Football '94 into his Sega Genesis and use the playbooks found within.
The downside to a Madden hire would be that K-State would have to invest in a teleprompter for him to play with up in the pressbox. Snyder might also tire of hearing "boom" or "pow" in situations that don't necessitate it. After all, a bumped elbow probably doesn't call for "he'll be feeling that one tomorrow."
Defensive coordinator/defensive line coach - Obi Wan Kenobi
The "Jedi mind trick" could be valuable in many areas of life, and football is definitely one of them. Poor, weak-minded quarterbacks would not know what to tell their coaches after checking to an option left when three defenders were blitzing to that side of the field. "Sorry coach, something just told me that your call wasn't the play we were looking for."
Sure, the fact that he's not only fictional; not only fictional and overqualified; but fictional, overqualified, and deceased could pose some problems, but the man sliced Darth Maul in half. I'm certainly not going to take him out of the running for such trivial issues.
Special teams coach - Kathy Ireland
Ms. Ireland once played a kicker in Necessary Roughness... Works for me.
(Note from the editor in charge of making the author not sound shallow: What he means to say is, "I'm sure she has an abundance of knowledge when it comes to the Xs and Os of special teams, and she'd be an excellent addition to the coaching staff."... Yeah, that's it.)
Running backs coach - Whoever created Tecmo Super Bowl
I have never seen running backs dominate like they can on that game. Be it Bo Jackson, Barry Sanders, or Christian Okoye, Mr. Tecmo seems to know how to get backs to make defenders look foolish. Don't think I wouldn't enjoy seeing KSU running backs employ the zig-zag "running from an alligator" style if it meant more rushing yards.
Receivers coach - Kevin McCallister
If you're asking "who?" right now, you obviously need to waste more time watching movies. Kevin is the kid off Home Alone and Home Alone 2. You'll have to follow my line of thinking here (which is often a dangerous path). Jerry Rice, the best receiver to ever play, developed his hands by catching bricks. Mr. McCallister is very accurate with his brick tossing, thus it seems natural to give him the opportunity to work with some receivers at the collegiate level.
The downside is that this hire comes with the risk of potential lawsuits at the hands (literally) of angry recruits.
Offensive line coach - The guy who greets people as they enter Best Buy
Do you know this guy? If not, run to your nearest Best Buy right now (I'll wait) and see if you can enter the store without getting a "hey man," "what's up, dude," or "how's it going, buddy" from the guy by the entrance. He continually delays those trying to track down intended purchases. Now consider that the job of the offensive line is to delay those trying to track down the intended ball carrier. Sure, it might be weird when the Wildcat offensive tackle tries to strike up a conversation with the defensive end instead of going for a cut block... but it just might work.
Linebackers coach - Terry Tate
K-State had some definite issues with tackling in 2008. I've never seen the office linebacker whiff on a potential hit. Leadership, knowledge, and intimidation? Tate will handle all such areas, and more.
Defensive backs coach - Mario Smith
He's a former Wildcat safety and was the defensive MVP of the 1995 Holiday Bowl... Who am I kidding? This suggestion is mostly because it gives me an excuse to end with this.
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