Something is Missing Here

Quick, think of the phrase you would least expect to hear while at a fast food restaurant.

I'll even offer up some examples:
- "Thanks for coming in, sir. We really appreciate your business."
- "Wow, that's an unbelievably clean restroom!"
- "So many healthy options. What do I choose?"
- "Well, time to go work out."

All are fine options, but try this one out: "Sorry, we're out of hamburger meat."

Alas, this very sentence - word for word - was spoken in my direction today, at an establishment that claims to be royalty in the court of processed bovine, no less.

Right now, you're probably asking yourself one thing (hopefully, it's not, "Why is he writing about fast food again?").

How does a fast food dining establishment that is known primarily for the hamburgers it serves run out of "hamburger meat"*? Has the king been too busy filming commericials to pay his bills? Did Ronald McDonald finally convince The Hamburglar to go after the competition? Maybe the capersome Chick-fil-a cows are moving their act to larger pastures.

*Something I like to refer to as "ground beef." Call me crazy.

This whole ordeal kind of threw me off, as an anti-Atkins diet just did not seem appealing. I quickly glanced around for hidden cameras, thinking I must have been in the middle of some commercial doomed to be ignored by millions. Seeing none, and noting the no-nonsense look on the register attendee's face, I realized that the events of this story were true, and my name was not being changed to protect the innocent. A menu with an abundance of options had now been cut down to offering chicken and salad**.

**Isn't going to a fast-food burger place for a salad kind of like going to Wal-Mart for a haircut? Think about it...

Fighting all notions of screaming in the inevitable terror that comes from a world without flame-grilled beef patties, I ordered a chicken sandwich meal and moved aside.

I was cooperative. Others were not. One man, upon hearing of the burger drought, declined the opportunity to place any sort of order and walked directly out the door. Where he was headed, I have no clue. But I hope it was someplace with so many greasy patties lying around that he could practice his butterfly stroke in them.***

***This sentence brought to you by the Awkward "Picture This" Moment Foundation. The APTMF - making you wish you couldn't read, one sentence at a time. 

With the fateful sentence running zig-zags in my head like a squirrel with no sense of direction, I walked home and ate my meal. The chicken assuaged my hunger, but my mind remained unsatisfied. My head swiriled in curiousity.

Would other businesses allow themselves to run dry of the very product they're name for?

Would Staples ever run out of staples?

Would a clerk at Blockbuster Video ever be put in the position of having to tell someone, "Sorry, we're out of movies. But you can still buy some of that outrageously overpriced candy"?

Could the folks at Ticketmaster get away with saying, "Believe it or not, we ran completely out of tickets. For everything"?

What if a store like Christian Books & Gifts ran out of Christian books... and gifts? It would be pandelirium.

As best I can tell, the situation is unprecedented and I'm still perplexed. I'd think about a Dairy Queen run to ease my worries with a bit of ice cream, but monarchs who rule from castles with drive-thru windows haven't been having the best day, it seems. They're probably fresh out of anything with milk.