Opening a New Pack of Absurdity

An innocent comment from a friend on Sunday pushed my mind into a dangerous realm. Granted, it's one I've visited on several prior occasions, and it has even served as the basis for a previous Writing. Nevertheless, it's not a place many would venture. It's a place where one develops a great desire to scour through boxes upon boxes of 2.5 in. x 3.5 in. cardboard rectangles, each featuring a different professional athlete. As I've discussed in the past, it's intriguing to read the tidbits included on the back of certain cards. Some contain trivia that is actually relevant and interesting... Others make one wonder whether the card author was disgruntled when it press deadline came around.

Naturally, we're more concerned with facts written by those that may not have been employed once the packs of cards were on the shelves.

Mike Morgan - Score Select 1994
"When he is healthy, he throws heavy, downward moving fastballs and a sinking slider."

That's fine, but now I'm kind of curious as to what Mike throws when he is unhealthy. Hopefully the answer is not "beanballs at his nurses," or "sharp objects at autograph seekers."

Roger McDowell - Sportflics 1987
When it comes to composing incredibly long sentences, The Writings certainly makes a contribution to society. Alas, I cannot compete with the literary marathon printed on the back of this card. Read on...

"Throwing a wicked natural sinker, the nastiest in the N.L., with impeccable control, he ran off seven successive victories at the beginning of the season - a Met record - and ended up with the most wins in the N.L. by a relief pitcher and second in the league in appearances."

I feel like there should have been a table of contents before that sentence.

Darren Lewis - Donruss Triple Play 1992
I hate to get technical when it comes to baseball cards, especially when we're talking about Triple Play - a brand specifically focused on putting the "rad" in "trading card," but I have to point something out. The back of Mr. Lewis' card features a trivia question. It reads, "From 1988-1990 three different Giants won RBI titles. How many can you name?" Below the question, the "answer" is printed in reverse-type, with instructions for the card-holder to read it in a mirror. Searching for a reflection (even if it's on the back of a spoon) seems like an unnecessary assignment when simply looking to find a trivia question answer, but that's not even the biggest mistake Triple Play made. They answered it wrong. The card lists Will Clark, Kevin Mitchell and Matt Williams as the answer. Unfortunately, the question is a quantitative one. It does not ask the reader "who" the RBI leaders were. It asks, "How many can you name?" As a result, acceptable answers would have been, "1," "2," "3," or, "How the heck should I know? I'm just a freaking baseball card."

Leeland McElroy - Score Select 1996
The author of this card had high hopes for Leeland, even writing that he would "make a lot of teams rue the day they let him slide into the second round..."

I don't have much experience when it comes to day-rueage, but I'm not sure McElroy's 729 career rushing yards, are enough to have an NFL franchise taking up the practice. His six career fumbles compared to three career rushing touchdowns also don't do much to provide rueing material.

John Burkett - Upper Deck 1996
Burkett's card points out that he's "a better pitcher in day-light." You know what that means, right? Yup, reverse vampirism. I think it was brave of Upper Deck to approach such an issue.

Duane Ward - Score 1991
It seems the Score folks wrote their cards with the sole purpose of one day making a former collector skim over their cards and giggle incessantly. It's rare that the author is one to giggle, but what else can one do when a card says the feature player and a teammate "give the team a brace of hefty relievers."

Life is rough when your baseball card calls you fat.

Joe Vitiello - Upper Deck 1992
"The Royals, short on power, think Joe Vitiello could be the answer."

Vitiello, the seventh pick of the 1991 draft, hit 21 home runs over five seasons in Kansas City. Manny Ramirez, Cliff Floyd, and Shawn Green were picked six, seven, and nine picks later, respectively. They have combined for 1,094 career home runs.

"The Royals, short on power, think Vitiello could be the answer."

In 1996, Vitiello finished tied with Kevin Young, a back up first baseman, for fifth on the team in home runs with eight. Young played in just 55 games that season.

"The Royals, short on power, think Vitiello could be the answer."

Sigh.

10 Legitimate reasons for... (The 'Where's Your Money Going?' Edition)

10 Legitimate reasons for signing a contract to pay your university's then-current-but-on-thin-ice/now-former football coach $3.2 million in deferred payments via a "secret" contract through a company that no one has ever heard of before (and may not even exist)...

1. You have a vivid imagination and like to give all imaginary companies a chance to go Pinocchio and "become a real boy"... err, company.

2. His family is poor and starving and loaves of bread have escalated to astronomical prices.

3. You are out to prove that secrets, secrets are, in fact, fun.

4. You thought the contract you signed to agree to the payment was actually an ACME Joke Contract, which would explode in comic fashion within a matter of minutes.

5. The head coach is Benjamin Linus, the leader of a group on mystical island, who needs the money to bribe a guy who speaks to dead folks. After receiving the cash, the guy who received the bribe will report that Linus isn't on the island to the folks on his offshore freighter.*

*Odds are, few of you understood that, but those that watch Lost hopefully appreciate it.

6. The head coach is also a baseball card dealer and your athletic department desperately needs 3.2 million packs of 1994 Collector's Choice baseball cards.

7. The money will be paid in the form of cursed pirate booty.

8. The money will be paid in the form of Monopoly money.

9. The money will be paid in the form of Schrute Bucks and Stanley Nickels.

10. Your luck has run out... Wait, that one doesn't happen until the "secret" is uncovered.

DLDP... It's the next big thing

Watch your back, Weight Watchers. Look out, Jenny Craig. The Derek Larson Diet Plan is coming for you.

It's true, those that know Derek Larson might argue that he's already thinner than most arguments for making the hunting of people lawful, and Derek would probably agree. That's the beautiful part of this diet plan - it's involuntary. Have you ever felt like you should go on a diet, but then struggled when it came time to commit? The DLDP will have you on board from the start. In fact, it's so effective that the simple thought of eating will make you quiver in terror.

The key to the DLDP, you see, is what those in the medical field might refer to as the "influenza virus." Quick and effective, once the DLDP works its way into your system, the sight of food will have you pulling the cool washcloth on your forehead down over your eyes. While you may have once dined on burgers and fries, you'll soon consume nothing but water and ice chips. Much like the energy you once had, the pounds will melt away.

Our patented diet plan involves no special meals that you have to order. There's no silly menu guide for you to print off the Internet. There's no book to read. Once we have your check, we simply send a "diet plan specialist" (e.g., someone that currently has the flu) to hang around with your for a day or two. Don't be concerned if they seem to be invading your personal space, or coughing on your television remote and all the doorknobs in your home. It's all part of the plan, and results will follow.

While the DLDP will have you looking slimmer in no time, we are required to mention possible side effects that some might deem "negative." They include: fever, headaches, body aches, shakes, quakes, fear of steaks, nausea, a general "horrible" feeling, curiosity of how horrible death could actually be, lack of energy, lack of sleep, lack of ability to think clearly, baggy eyes, continual queries concerning whether your flu is of the H1N1 variety, the fact that people will be afraid to be anywhere near you, the continual reminder that The Price is Right isn't the same without Bob Barker, the fact that you have to put up with daytime television, and the fact that you will become much, much closer to your trash can.

Sure, there are some negative parts about the DLDP, but you want to lose weight, don't you? No pain, no gain... uhh, loss. Give us a call and try it today!

A lesson for those graduating

"... and so the second penguin said, 'I thought YOU were bringing the compass.'"

Tom had nailed it. His timing, his enunciation, his syllabic emphasis, they were all perfect. All that remained was the ensuing waves of laughter.

He waited for what seemed like 15 seconds, although it was no more than three. No laughs. Not even a chuckle. "Tough crowd," he thought.

Just two weeks earlier, Tom had graduated from Hatfield University with a degree in accounting. While job interviews were on the horizon and he'd soon be a professional in the field, he really had no interest in it. He had compromised. When asked what he was interested in majoring in prior to his freshman year, he chose accounting not because he liked the idea of keeping track of numbers, but because it was as far as he had read on the alphabetic list of major programs. He was a smart kid. He had graduated from high school as an honors student, despite refusing to study for any exam for more than 30 minutes. He could have been successful in any major he had selected. He chose accounting, but crunching numbers was certainly not his dream.

Tom wanted to be a comedian. He always had. As a kid, Tom absorbed all the stand-up comedy he could, from old tapes of Bill Cosby to rising comedians on Comedy Central. He memorized their routines and mimicked their actions. He grew up craving a chance to be just like them; to be in front of a crowd and have them rolling with laughter. Today, he had his audience.

His penguin material had failed miserably, but he wasn't going to fret. That wasn't his "A" stuff, after all. It was time to dig deeper into his repertoire. He transitioned into a story about two blind politicians - a democrat and a republican. Politics were always comedy gold. He knew the key to a good joke was proper build up, so he spared few details. He delved into their political backgrounds. He articulated their facial expressions as they debated. He even mentioned the shine in their shoes. He glanced at the clock as he spoke of their political views on immigration. He knew his time on stage was winding down, but this would be worth it. It was all building up to his punchline, and he could not wait to be engulfed in laughter of those in the audience. As he spoke he recognized friends and family in the crowd, even old relatives he hadn't seen in years. This was his chance to shine.

"The democrat folded his arms and said, 'Well, I don't see it that way.'"

Yahtzee. Tom could not have told the joke any better. With his eyes on the crowd he saw a few small smiles and heard a couple faint laughs. It wasn't the wall-rumbling response he had hoped for, but he said a quick thanks anyway, and left the stage with a smile and a wave.

Minutes later, as Tom sat in the parking lot on the hood of his 1984 Caprice Classic, Tom's father approached. Tom had been running his routine back through his head, trying to figure out why the crowd's response had been so timid.

"Dad, what did I do wrong?"

"Nothing, son," Tom's father said. "As you go on, you'll learn that material goes over better in some places than others and that some audiences just aren't in the mood. Nevertheless, you got a few laughs. I saw a couple youngsters that were nearly cracking up."

"Yeah," Tom replied. "I guess I connected with a few folks, anyway. Maybe the problem was the acoustics, I'm not sure they were all that great in there."

"I think you're right," Tom's father said. "Now we just have to find another opportunity for you to do your routine... This time, maybe one that isn't the open mic at your great aunt's funeral."

- - - - -

The lesson, dear readers, is no matter what your diploma says, you should never abandon your dreams.

... But you can probably leave those dreams in the car while you're at a wake. They'll be fine as long as you leave the window open a crack.

The Writings' Night In

Is there a problem in our country of women being stuck indoors? I ask because tonight's Royals game is featuring a promotion called "Girls' Night Out*," and I just saw a commercial for something called "Women's Day Out." Are hordes of females imprisoning themselves indoors, refusing to come out unless it's for some sort of public event? It seems the focus should be on getting people outside who otherwise would rarely be. As a result, I'm expecting to see some sort of "Derek's Day Out" promotion in the future. After all, I have seen kitchen appliances that spend more time outside than I do. You know the phrase, "I don't get out much"? I believe the International Cliche Committee is going to retire it in my honor.

*Your eyes do not deceive you. The Royals, the Major League Baseball franchise for whom I have dedicated countless hours of my life following, have a promotion designed to get females, many of whom might be near my age and single, out to the ballpark. On the same night as this promotion - which, again, involves young, single, female Royals fans - I sit on my couch eating a bowl of cereal... Nice work, Derek.
- - - - -
A lunch conversation today spurred a thought in my head. (Which is a good place for thoughts to be.) Am I one of only seven Americans that has not read a single book (or seen a single movie) of the Harry Potter series? It seems all at the lunch table today were well-versed in the Hogwarts hubbub. Members of my family speak good things of the bespectacled wizard. I sometimes wonder if even my niece, whose favorite hobbies are crawling up the stairs and sneezing, has at least polished off Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. What does this all mean? If the cure for the H1N1 virus is knowledge of fictional wizardry, I am doomed.
- - - - -
I recently heard tell of a man playing a trumpet as he drove along an interstate highway. That's right. A man was devoting the thought and energy needed to play a tune on a brass horn as he careened down a highway in a 1.5-ton vehicle traveling 70-miles per hour. Smart guy. I realize this is beginning to sound like a question on an eighth grade math test, so rest assured that I'm not going to ask you how far he'll be from a tuba playing train conductor chugging the opposite direction at 60 m.p.h. The question I do have is: What musical instrument would be the most entertaining to watch someone play as they drove down the road? A full trap set? A double guitar? Perhaps a harp? All are good options, but the only real choice is Bert's one man band set from Mary Poppins.* I will accept no substitutes until I witness this.

*Congratulations to those that picked May 14, 2009 as the date The Writings would have a Mary Poppins reference. Think of me when you're counting the winnings from your office pool.
- - - - -
Another show to add to the big list of television programs that should not have ever been created... Style By Jury. Congratulations, CW.

GSD

There is a day, oh friends, that is a truly grand one, but it is one that receives little glory. When it comes to days worthy of marking one's calendar in anticipation, the hubbub usually surrounds holidays, birthdays and weddings, despite the fact that this day consistently accomplishes a feat that these other celebratory periods rarely do. It brings folks of all backgrounds together. This day knows no race, no religion, no age, and no social standing. It knows no discrimination; no bias whatsoever. It only knows the sound of fingers combing through a handful of change to find an extra nickel.

This day, this marvelous day, is Garage Sale Day.

Originally established by Nordic settlers looking to pawn off their foul-smelling lutefisk on unsuspecting folks of different origin, Garage Sale Day (or GSD, as it's most commonly referred) has come a long way. Back then, GSD was called "Give Me Something of Value for This or I Will Shove it in Your Ear Day." While GMSVFTOIWSIIYED (as it was more commonly referred) involved more bloodshed than the GSDs of today, the general spirit was the same: getting rid of junk you don't want and receiving something you can use in return.*

*If you find an ounce** of truth in that paragraph, please contact the author immediately.

**No, I'm really not sure how one goes about weighing truth accurately enough to know when there's an ounce of it present. I'd check The Sharper Image.

What is it that makes GSD so blog-inspiringly wonderful? It encompasses parts of all holidays that you enjoy. It brings together family. (Who else is going to help you lug your aging living room furniture out to the front lawn?) It promotes the spirit of giving. (How else are you getting rid of those old sneakers that can't even get someone to part with a nickel?) For those who find their televisions continually stuck on HGTV, it even involves festive decorations. (They're next to the used kitchen items, in that box marked "50 cents.")

I was lucky enough to actively participate in GSD over the weekend, as I offered two hands, a couple of feet, and a coin-counting mind to family in effort to help them with their sale. The bargains were fleeting, but the memories will last a lifetime.

On GSD, there's no dress code
Thick and thin, deep and wide, these garage sale goers sported their wardrobes with pride. While the clothes we had on sale were mainly limited to the jeans/t-shirts/polos variety, the potential customers were a bit more diverse with their fashions. While Customer A might have been wearing sweats so worn that you wondered if they had just recently completed a three-month stay on their sofa, Customer B appeared ready to saddle up a horse of a different color, donning a western shirt, Wranglers, and a pair of boots featuring more colors than a box of Pop Ice. Another customer was fully prepared for a heat wave, and for any snuff cravings that might occur, sporting a shirt with cutoff sleeves and a can of chaw in the breast pocket. Unfortunately, he was not carrying around a spit cup, spittoon, or a button that said "I'm enjoying my gums while they're not bleeding."

Smoking ban? Not here
Ah, the great outdoors. On a breezy Saturday morning it can be invigorating to inhale that fresh Spring air. On this breezy Saturday morning, we had the great pleasure of having that fresh air combined with some fresh second-hand smoke. Refreshing. The smoke-and-shop freedom is one rarely granted anymore, thus GSD presents a great opportunity for those who choose to spend appalling chunks of their income on cigarettes. On Saturday, an older woman sifted through some shirts with one hand while loosely grasping her cigarette in the other. With each puff, smoke left her lungs and found its way to the threaded items below, all while a tail of ash nearly half an inch long wagged at the end of her coffin nail,* like a tired child nearing an inevitable fall from the monkey bars.

*Have you ever tried to find a synonym for cigarette that doesn't come off sounding inappropriate? It's not easy.

Everything is negotiable
Run to your nearest fast food establishment, order the most expensive value meal on the menu, and then when the monetary transactions coordinator (sounds better than cashier, right?) tells you the total you need to pay, say, "Let's call it $2." If that works, let me know, because I haven't eaten dinner yet. Odds are, it won't. While the roots of our economy may have seen more focus on bargaining, there just isn't much room for it today. Garage sales are a different story. Need a slightly used nose trimmer, but you aren't willing to pay the $4 it's marked for? Make a different offer. They just might take it.

On Saturday, a woman walked up to me with a Pyrex baking dish, still in the box. It wouldn't have known a casserole if it had spent weeks watching Rachel Ray. This brand new dish was priced at $2. This woman, who certainly didn't appear to be struggling to find cash, asked me if I would take $1.50 for it. Granted, her very question spit in the face of one essential rule of life: if you are buying a baking dish, you have an oven. If you have an oven, you don't haggle over a matter of 50 cents. I was taken aback by her determination to get this dish for two quarters less than the asking price. What did she need the extra 50 cents for? Buying 2.5 chicken nuggets at Wendy's? Did she have a half-off coupon for Everything's a Dollar? Was she going to travel back in time to a period when you could actually get something for 50 cents? Once I quit trying to imagine what this woman could possibly need that extra half-dollar for, I accepted her offer. After all, I thought, maybe she only has $1.50 on her before she has to break a large bill. I don't like counting out a ton of change anyway, so this could have been making my life easier... Then she paid with two crisp $1 bills.

GSD is open to window shoppers
Granted, this isn't your typical window shopping. The windows in play are actually those of the cars that slowly idle by as those inside squint and crane their necks, attempting to see what goods might be available. If something looks interesting, they'll find a good parking spot like in front of a mailbox or a neighbor's driveway. If not, they creep on to the next sale.

It's worth mentioning that window shoppers are typically not interested in pleasantries. As they take inventory of your items from their vehicle, they will ignore any attempts you might make to be friendly. Waves will receive bewildered looks in return, attempts to invite them to check things out from a closer perspective seem to come off as offensive. The only instance in which you might hear from a window shopper is when they shout questions about your merchandise from inside their vehicle. "Yo, you got any baby clothes?"

Curious? Better test it out
Garage sales are perfect for folks who prefer to get a feel for things before making a purchase. You can test out toys, try on shoes, and even take furniture for a test sit. Granted, I'm not sure that repeatedly bouncing on a couch is necessary in testing it, but I'm also not the one considering ignoring the pet hair on it and buying it... Please, please just buy the couch.

You bought what?
What this says about me, I'll never know, but watching folks to see what items they were interested in was an interesting exercise. Who could have guessed that a 70-year-old man would be thrilled to find a box full of Beanie Babies? Or that the only others who would ask about Beanie Babies the rest of the day would be two young boys? It also seems that the consolation prizes for those that miss out on Beanie Babies are old, crafty Halloween decorations. That's right, this pair of brothers asked no questions about footballs or video games, their allowances were devoted to stuffed animals and Hobby Lobby pumpkins.

Open to all, still ignored by some
Unfortunately, although GSD is open to all, it seems that some folks still refuse to recognize it. They ignore the swarms of people digging through boxes of old ball caps. They look past the humidifier ready to bring moist air to a new home. They fail to recognize the thrill of rummaging through a stranger's belongings in effort to discover something they might have a use for. In essence, they're tossing rubbish on the entire celebration.

Saturday, this happened quite literally as the landlord of this housing development took a wild ride atop his grass devouring, children cowering, driver empowering lawn tractor. Whether he was oblivious to the fact that an inordinate number of folks in the neighborhood had contents of their homes arranged in their driveways, or he was attempting to be deemed the Grinch of GSD, no one knew for sure. While his intentions were unclear as he tore through each and every yard (literally grinding away a chunk of sidewalk just feet from where we were set up), he certainly left his mark. The grass clippings that this grass master had strewn about like confetti on New Year's was now masking the merchandise. The couch, donning a "sold" sign by this point, wore a bit of the outdoors when the new owner's arrived to pick it up. Shirts stacked symmetrically on a card table now featured a texture of natural camouflage. Elsewhere, clumps of grass clippings tossed into 25-cent boxes confused customers, who probably figured we had a lot of nerve to ask for them to pay for yard clippings. Luckily, Old Man Mower struck as the sale was winding to a close. It seems that even he could not destroy the spirit of GSD.

While it may have its detractors, GSD remains a fixture in American culture. Don't forget to mark your calendar.

So a history buff, an engineer, and a wannabe writer start a sports blog...

Yes, dear readers, it seems that one blog was simply not enough to contain the waves of thought that cascade in my mind. In a joint venture with two of the greatest minds of this generation (or two former co-workers/current fantasy league opponents... Who can keep track of such details?), I'll be contributing to Butchwaglar's Sports Emporium. (Rolls right off the tongue, doesn't it?) It's intended to be an outlet for random thought focused (however loosely) on sports.

Those that are concerned that taking on more writing might remove focus from The Writings, don't fret. With other writers contributing at BSE (perhaps just the BS should be capitalized...), I'm confident I will be able to update here at The Writings in the same manner that I always have - sporadically and with little sense of direction.

Anyway, if you enjoy The Writings, and you enjoy sports, check out BSe.

If you enjoy The Writings, and you despise sports, I apologize for wasting so much of your time throughout the life of this blog... but check out BSe anyway. In the epic words of Rocky Balboa addressing the Russian crowd after defeating Ivan Drago, "If I can change*, and you can change, everybody can change."

*Note: I haven't changed.

If you don't enjoy The Writings, and you only visit this site in order to research ways in which you might someday initiate a multifaceted revenge plan that will humiliate me in front of friends, family and the cast of Growing Pains, all because I inadvertantly wronged you somehow, I really wish you'd reconsider. Maybe BSe can change your mind.

Things I Don't Understand - Spring Football Edition

I went to the K-State spring football game on Saturday.

I apologize if the opening sentence of this Writing seems a little bland, but it seems to fit the subject pretty well. While American football as a spectator sport is often about big hits, exciting plays, roaring crowds, and fierce competition, spring football falls a bit short in most of those aspects. While the contest contained a couple pretty decent hits dispersed and a few plays that could have been deemed exciting, such cases were certainly not the norm, and were not the goal of the game. Football games are played to determine a winner... Spring football games are played to wrap up spring practices and remind people to buy season tickets.

Even Bill Snyder, the legendary former/returning coach of K-State, admitted that the spring game was boring after it was finished. Entertainment is simply not the purpose. It's a glorified practice where the team involved can continue their work on the same basic plays they have focused on all spring. As I see it, there are seven different reasons to go to a spring football game.

1. You are playing in the game.
2. You are coaching in the game.
3. You are a member of the media writing about/broadcasting the game.
4. You are a family member of a player/coach.
5. You are a loyal fan that wants to get an early look at new players/coaching schemes for the upcoming season. (Or you pretend to be doing that, but end up making an endless amount of absurd comments in the process.)
6. You got confused and thought it was a regular season game. (Therefore, you were pretty confused when you got to your seat and realized there was not another team present.)
7. You need an excuse to enjoy the taste of alcohol.  (This one could actually be paired with No. 6, as a drunken stupor could probably lead to such confusion.)

While I have had No. 3 as an excuse for attending a couple times in the past, this year I was firmly in camp No. 5. While this seemed to be a fairly popular reason for attending in 2009, judging from the amount tailgating in the parking lot (accompanied, of course, by a continual chorus of the refrain of the buzzed... You know, "Wooooooo"...(the call echoes in the distance, soon a reply follows...) "Yeaaaaaaaaaah"... (repeat)) choice No. 7 was the clear-cut winner. Unbelievably, I encountered something that falls in the TIDU* chapter of the nonsensical novel that is my life.

*Things I Don't Understand... The Writings: Where pointless acronyms that no one understands are hip.

It's not wise to choose sides in an argument with yourself.
I attended the spring football game by myself. This is either because most of the folks I normally tend to attend such functions with (my cronies, if you will) were unavailable, or because all the folks who I consider to be friends are actually being paid to act as such and their most recent checks bounced.* Nonetheless, upon arriving at the game, I embraced my naturally introverted nature and found a seat in a corner section of the stadium, where few were sitting. I wanted to be able to watch the game on my own and not be distracted by the mind-numbing conversations of those around me.

*This scenario brought to you by the World Paranoia Association... What did you say about us? Nothing? We could have sworn we heard something. 

Despite my best efforts to claim a stake of seating territory that would not have anyone sitting within 10 feet of me, I soon had a family of three seated directly behind me.

Directly. Behind. Me.

They were sitting so close that, at one point, the father's knee was in direct contact with my spine. At a regular football game, this would not be an issue. It's normal to be crowded and uncomfortable. This was not a normal game in the fall. This was spring football. In the very section I (along with this man's knee) was sitting, there was an abundance of open seats. Seats with cushions. Seats without. Seats with numbers even and odd. Seats where once could sit without giving the guy sitting in front of you a kneeatsu* massage. Nevertheless, the family stayed camped right behind me.

*Yes, that was lame... I apologize.

Unfortunately, the contact wasn't the worst part of the situation. Their commentary was. You know how, on TV and in film, it's not unusual to see a little devil pop up on ones shoulder offering mean-spirited advice, and then a little angel pop up on the other offering good-natured advice? Mr. Kneebone and his wife were situated in such a manner that their comments sounded like just that. I'd get one voice in my right ear, the other in my left. I believe, in a Saturday Night Live sketch, that Adam Sandler once referred to such a situation as "stupid in stereo." Alas, I won't be judging whether or not anyone is devoid of intelligence. After all, I may or may not have once gotten my fingers caught underneath an office door when attempting to deliver an envelope. I must, however, address one comment that did boggle my mind.

Those unfamiliar with Bill Snyder-coached spring football games should be told that the format is not one that favors parity. The teams are squads are split up to have starters on one side, backups on the other. Keep in mind, starters normally start because they are better players. As a result, one might expect the starters to win the game, often in sound fashion. The important thing to remember is that, in the end, all of the players are actually on the same team. Mr. Kneebone struggled with this concept. On the Purple squad's (read: first team/starters/better players') first offensive drive, running back Keithen Valentine scored on a nine-yard touchdown run. At this point, most fans in attendance were excited. Points had been scored. It was reason for celebration. Amidst all the hoorays* and yippees*, the voice on my right shoulder grunted, "C'mon defense!"

*Disclaimer: Such words are simply used to express the muffled excitement of the crowd. The author heard no actual shouts of "hooray" or "yippee."

Upon hearing this, I sat perplexed. It seemed this man had chosen sides in an intrasquad scrimmage. I struggled to make sense of the situation, but found no solace in reasoning. He was rooting for K-State, against K-State. It was like he was arm-wrestling himself and cheering for "Lefty." Surely this man recognized that the end result of this game had slightly less bearing on the upcoming football season that the date of the punter's next haircut. Surely this man realized that the starting squad scoring against the backups would not be an uncommon event; that it was a foregone conclusion that the offensive starters could find the end zone against defensive reserves. Surely he knew that any progress shown by Valentine - who began last season as the starting running back, but fell out of favor and rarely saw the field by the end of the season - was progress that the Wildcats' running game will depend on this fall.

He didn't. Throughout the game the "C'mon defense," refrain remained, uttered again and again as the Purple squad scored 45 points to the White squad's zero. I began to wonder if this man just loathed the color purple (the color, not the novel), or if he had seen "Rocky" years ago and now rooted for underdogs with the fervor of a gambling addict down to his last dollar, but I never worked up the courage to ask him.

Hopefully he felt better when he read the paper this morning and realized that K-State won.

Talking Points

This Writing is getting a late start. As a result, I have little time to write before my head drops wearily onto my keyboard as my mind shuts down completely. To make up for the lack of words on my end, I'm giving you the opportunity to add some on yours. What follows are discussion points. Review them. Contemplate them. Respond to them. (Or just ignore them... Who am I to tell you what to do?)

- I attended a "roundtable" discussion today. Alas, the table we all sat at was not round. How am I supposed to concentrate on the topic at hand when such a glaring case of false advertising is present? Do I have the right to pursue legal action?

- The hot topic this week has been the swine flu. Is it me, or, by calling it the swine flu, are we adding insult to illness?

- A popular question is, "Which came first - the chicken or the egg?" Where's the love for the other animals that hatch from eggs? Can't we replace "chicken" with "turtle" or "fish" now and then?

- Much recent discussion is also surrounding the president's first 100 days in office. The media is quick to examine what has gone right, what has gone wrong, and what has gone to that large gray area in between. What's the most significant thing you've accomplished over the last 100 days? For that matter, what's the most significant thing I've accomplished over the last 100 days? Can I even remember 100 days ago?

- I plan on attending K-State's spring football game on Saturday - a game that will feature more dives than a synchronized Olympic event that involves plummeting into a pool. A football game lasts 60 minutes and contains 4 quarters of action. Will the combined scored of the two scrimmage squads be closer to 60 or 4?

Discuss.

Lessons Learned

I started thinking about movies today, and I'm not really sure why... I take that back, I was at work, so it was only natural that I attempted to think of something else. That seems to be the way the human mind operates. Anyway, with movies on my mind, I'm now thinking of what movies really mean. (Deep, I know.) Every good story has an underlying theme. For example, 12 Angry Men shows that one person can make a difference, if he sticks to what he believes. I think it's time to dig those themes up and find out what the movies we watch everyday really mean.

American Psycho - If your friend continually talks about returning some video tapes, it may be time to find a new friend.

Back to the Future trilogy - Many of your relatives, both in the past and the future, look so much like you that you could be their exact duplicates with just a little bit of makeup.

The Bourne Identity - Don't mess with amnesiacs.

The Bourne Supremacy - Seriously, don't mess with amnesiacs.

The Bourne Ultimatum - Don't say you haven't been warned.

Cast Away - You're never alone if you have a volleyball.

The Dark Knight - If someone asks you if you want to see a pencil trick, run the other way.

Field of Dreams - If you build it, you get to hang out with the voice of Darth Vader.

Forrest Gump - If you're running from kids on bikes with braces on your legs, your legs will break free of the constrictions and will somehow morph into those of a 24-year-old world-class sprinter. Fortune and fame will follow.

From Justin to Kelly - People will pay to see anything if there's a
bucket of popcorn floating in buttery-flavored goo involved.

The Fugitive - U.S. Marshalls are quick-witted and hilarious.

Gladiator - Falling in love with your sister is creepy. Oh, and a wronged honorable general always gets redemption.

The Godfather Parts I and II - Never go against the family...

The Godfather Part III - ...unless they're watching Part III. Then you can go against them all you want.

The Goonies - If it's wet, it's water.

Jurassic Park - If you're ever running from a tyrannosaurus rex in a
rainstorm, don't go hide atop a toilet. If that rest shelter collapses,
you're going to look pretty foolish right before you're shaken like a
chew toy and then consumed.

King Kong - Beauty can kill a beast... Particularly if an attacking airplane is named "Beauty."

The Lord of the Rings trilogy - Those that are small can accomplish big things... Wait, did I get this confused with Rudy?... Let's try this again...

The Lord of the Rings trilogy - If you walk-on to a famed college football team, work hard in practices for years, and then get a sack in your first (and last) collegiate game, you're fit to help your pal take throw a powerful ring into the depths of Mount Doom.

The Matrix trilogy - I have no clue. Really. What the heck did that last movie mean? It was supposed to answer questions. My head hurts just thinking of how my head hurt when I left the theater.

Mission: Impossible - Never accept gum from someone you don't know. You could end up with an exploding headache.

One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest - It's all fun and games until somebody gets a lobotomy.

The Patriot - Good Mel Gibson attacks with a hatchet and leaves British soldiers fearing for their lives. Boring Mel Gibson reads Helen Hunt's thoughts.

Spiderman - Chicks dig arachnids.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - In New York, if you're dressed like Humphrey Bogart, no one will bother noticing that you are actually a giant turtle sporting a colorful bandanna.

The Wizard of Oz - There's no place like home... even if home is devoid of color.

Gone-zalez

When the Kansas City Chiefs finished the 2008 season with just two wins, it was obvious that change was on the way. As a fan of KC's professional football team, I simply hoped this change wouldn't involve any desperate measures. I wanted to see a plan in place; to see the team pursue personnel with the future in mind, rather than going for an Air Bud: Golden Receiver* quick fix. To this point, new general manager Scott Pioli has taken steps in that direction. He brought in a young coach who could have a bright future in Todd Haley. He traded for a young quarterback that could very well be a "franchise" signal caller, Matt Cassel.

*The Writings: Your source for references to movies no one has ever seen.

With these additions, plus a few veterans added for good measure, they had already done enough to prove competitive in a weak AFC West. It seemed that a quick fix could actually have KC competing for a playoff spot next season. Perhaps Air Bud (or even Gus, the mule that kicks field goals) might not be a bad move, I thought.

Today, Pioli proved that he has the future in mind.

In trading tight end Tony Gonzalez to the Atlanta Falcons, Pioli has cemented the idea that this team is going in a new direction. Gonzalez, a 10-time Pro Bowler, was by far the most identifiable player on the roster. Mention the Chiefs to an average fan in Green Bay or Cincinnati and, odds are, they would not be able to tell you that Tyler Thigpen was under center, that Jarrad Page was roaming the secondary, or even that KC Wolf was pounding his head against the uprights.* They would be able to tell you about Gonzalez, though.

*He does look a bit raccoonish, after all.

One of the greatest tight ends ever, Gonzalez was a force opposing defenses had to develop new gameplans for. Cover him with a linebacker and you were toast; with a defensive back and you had to deal with his remarkable strength. Also a basketball player while at the University of California, TG went after every pass as if it were a rebound up for grabs. After working through the dropsies in his first couple seasons, he became one of the best receivers in football. He was named 1st-team All-Pro (or the best tight end in the league) five times in a 10-year span. He led the NFL in receptions in 2004, is sixth among active receivers in touchdown receptions, and has broken just about every all-time receiving record that exists for NFL tight ends. If the Chiefs were successful, he was involved.

Now, he's gone.

In return, the Chiefs receive a 2010 second round draft pick from the Falcons. It's a move that shows a commitment for the future, but I have to wonder what it means for the present. I'm a strong supporter of the idea that a quarterback, especially a young quarterback, needs a safety outlet - a receiver they are comfortable with; a receiver who can seemingly read the QB's mind and be depended on to come up with a difficult catch when the quarterback is under pressure. Gonzalez was the ultimate example of this. He seemed to bail his quarterback out with a catch in traffic every other possession. I think Damon Huard may have been considering making Tony a friendship bracelet for this very reason in 2007. In 2009, while Gonzalez is quickly becoming Matt Ryan's BFF in Atlanta, Tom Brady's former understudy Cassel may be presented with the option of either taking a sack or heaving the ball downfield to Brad Cottam or Jeff Webb. I'm not sure which is the least painful option.

As is the case with most Writings, I'm sort of rambling with no real direction and I'm making little sense. In this case, it fits perfectly, as I'm trying to decide if this move by the Chiefs shows any direction and makes any sense.

Those in favor of the trade will argue that it's best to put the past behind us. The Chiefs never won a Super Bowl, or even a playoff game, with Gonzalez at tight end, so his absence can't be that devastating. He's getting old - in football years - and is eating up salary cap space. Succinctly, he's not part of the future of the team. He's not part of the Pioli plan.

Those refusing to hang their red No. 88 jerseys in the closet will tell you that, despite the fact that he'll be 33 this season, Gonzalez is still one of the top offensive weapons in football. He caught 96 passes last year (good for 4th in the NFL) for 1,058 yards. Sure, the Chiefs are bringing in a talented quarterback, but it's one that was sacked more than any other in the NFL last season, and the Chiefs offensive line isn't exactly a razor wire fence when it comes to protection. He could use a receiver as reliable as Tony. Beyond football, Gonzalez was a great representative of the team in the community. He participated in outreach programs and charities and was not one to have his name appear in the news for negative reasons.

With the trade finalized, there's seemingly little I can do about it. (Oddly, we at The Writings do not have veto power of NFL transactions... yet.) The move seems to make sense for a rebuilding franchise, and there's really no better time for rebulding than when you're coming off a season where you won slightly more games than a team of directionally challenged howler monkeys might.

It makes sense, but is it the right move?

Uhh... Next question please.

Ode to Employees at the Local Consumer Electronics Retailer

I apologize in advance... It seems I am really into celebrating National Poetry Month this year.


Ode to Employees at the Local Consumer Electronics Retailer

I walk through the doors, and you're there to greet me,
That courtesy welcome is fine;
But then at the DVDs, another of you will meet me,
As if he were second in line.

I wave off all help. I say I'm "just looking,"
And, honestly, that much is true;
But three steps later another clerk thinks a sale is cooking,
And I wonder why you can't take a clue.

As I browse video games, another Blue Shirt attacks,
This one tries to start small talk;
Yes, I like playing games. That's why I'm checking out this rack,
What I don't like are salesfolk who stalk.

I'm an adult. If I need help, I'll ask,
I consider it my duty as a consumer;
In the mean time, relax. Try to find another task,
Instead of hanging off me like a tumor.

I feel like sprinting away. Your approach I am fearing,
Because everywhere there's blue-shaded interrogation;
Maybe, like Elaine Benes, I should pretend I'm hard of hearing.
Or just sign you all up for treatments of sedation.

At long last, I'm at checkout. I found items to buy,
Relying on nothing but my casual consumer form.
Don't worry, Blue Shirts, when I return you can again try,
To secure my patronage with a tactical swarm.

Thought for the Day

If you're happy and you know it, and, as a result, your face surely shows it, why is it still necessary for you to clap your hands/stomp your feet/shout hooray?

We have already determined that we can tell whether or not you are happy by the look on your face. It seems that all else is just pointless calisthenics.


This message brought to you by the the Society for Preventing Unnecessary Physical Activity.

Pretty Nice Little Saturday

To paraphrase an insightful man called "Frank the Tank," I'm in the midst of a "pretty nice little Saturday." Granted, Home Depot and Bed, Bath and Beyond have not been (and will not be) prominently involved, but I am doing my best to make the most of a beautiful day. In other words, I'm planted on my sofa in front of my television watching any sports I can find. If you are concerned that I'm not outdoors on a 70-degree day, don't fret... I have my apartment windows wide open in effort to bring the outdoors to me.

I started off the day by running out to get a (much needed) haircut, and to pick up some (very much needed) allergy medication. Now, with my head no longer resembling an unkempt Chia Pet, my throat no longer feeling as if I swallowed a prickly pear, and my nasal cavities no longer imitating faulty showerheads, this Saturday can truly be enjoyed. What's ahead? How about four games in the NBA playoffs, at least two baseball games, and even a spring football game (which I have no interest in, but, hey, it's football). With me each dribble, pitch, and snap of the way will be my trusty laptop. It's true, it doesn't laugh at any of my self-proclaimed quick-witted remarks, but there's a good chance that no one else would either. (Plus, my computer can't raise an eyebrow or roll its eyes.)

Join us, won't you, for an afternoon/evening taking in all that this Saturday has to offer.*

*That is, if you like sports, eating nothing but junk, and rarely moving from the groove your posterior has created in your couch.

- Next time you're watching a televised basketball game, pay particular attention when the game's commentators are shown on screen as they spit out conversation (normally lacking much insight) on press row. Watch the fans in the seats directly behind these announcers. Now count how many of them wave at the camera, crane their necks to see themselves on the TV monitor, jab their friends to show them that they're also on TV, or perform any other action indicating their excitement about being seen on television. You may want to be ready to make tally marks, because there will be a lot of them. Maybe it's the side of me filled with social anxiety, but I cannot figure out why people would be so excited to be on TV. Sure, there are plenty of famous people on television, but the fact that you show up on screen for 3.3 seconds and celebrate the occasion by waving your arms like you're trying to signal a rescue plane does not mean that you'll soon have your own talk show. It happens so often, that it almost seems like a Pavolnian response that people have developed when encountered with video cameras. I will not be surprised to see shoppers waving madly at store security cameras or random strangers flashing peace signs in the background of someone's home video in the future. What these folks need to realize is that being on TV isn't that great. Just ask this guy.

- Boston Celtic's forward Paul Pierce could have clinched a victory for his squad over the Chicago Bulls by sinking one final free throw with one second left in regulation. He clanked it off the rim. Pierce is a former Kansas Jayhawk, so that event brought forth a bit of glee in my "faithful to our colors" heart.

- Unfortunately, while Pierce is a star for the Celtics, another former KU player, Kirk Heinrich, plays significant minutes for the Bulls. I'm trying to figure out whether there's a way that both these teams could lose. Perhaps a double-disqualification could occur, like when Hulk Hogan and Andre the Giant battled in the WWF Championship tournament at Wrestlemana IV.* Somebody better start swinging folding chairs.

*This bit of pro wrestling trivia brought to you by the I Need New Hobbies Foundation.

- In Cleveland, the Cavaliers are facing the Detroit Pistons in the first round of the NBA Playoffs. You know the look a person gets on his or her face when they know they have screwed up and they're just waiting for punishment? That is similar to how the Pistons look every time LeBron James touches the basketball. The kid, (he's still only 24) came into the NBA straight from high school in 2003 and had one of the greatest rookie seasons ever. Somehow, he's found a way to improve in each of the six seasons since. Currently, the guy who is built like a power forward, runs the floor like a point guard, and jumps like he was imported straight from NBA Jam is the most difficult matchup in basketball. Just ask Tayshaun Prince, one of the NBA's top defenders, whom was just torched for 22 points in one half by LeBron.

- The Snickers commercial featuring Patrick chEwing is excellent... and by "excellent," what I mean to say is that it features one of the worst stunt-doubles in recorded history. When you first see Mr. Ewing, his 7-foot frame is looking extra large in its retired form, as if he's taken over for Adam Richman on Man v. Food. Nevertheless, when Ewing/chEwing goes up for the slam, the dunker appears to be missing about eight inches of his height and 100 pounds off his frame. I thought the camera was supposed to add 10 lbs.

- Someday, when I compose my list of the 10 or 25 or100 (I'm still determining the number) people I would least want angry with me, Chicago Cubs' manager Lou Pinella will be on that list. I mention this because he just yanked a relief pitcher that walked two consecutive batters without tossing a strike. I knew there was a reason that I'm not a Major League pitcher.* Also included on the "Please, Don't Yell at Me" list will be: Frank Martin, Bob Knight, Stone Cold Steve Austin, The Joker (I don't like pencil tricks), and Darth Vader.

*Another reason is a severe lack of talent.

- It's time to test your short-term memory. Remember that look that LeBron's defenders get on their faces? You know, the "oh crap, this won't end well" look? Well, batters who face Kansas City's Zack Greinke have been stricken with the same expression lately. Greinke enters tonight's game with a 0.00 earned run average, and so far this season his pitches have been dodging bats like a nimble spelunker.

- We end the night with Greinke finishing off a complete game shutout of the Texas Rangers, fanning 10 batters along the way. The Royals are first in the AL Central and Greinke looks like one of the best pitchers in the game... That's a pretty nice little Saturday.

The Model of Sarcasm

Do you ever feel like you aren't quite sarcastic enough? Do you wonder if your everyday conversations are lacking a bit of cynical zip? Don't worry, dear reader, The Writings are here to help. Feel free to use these five quick talking points to help unleash your inner wiseacre.

- Any film featuring Zack (Zach? Zac? Zaq?) Effron has potential to be comedy gold. On top of his enourmous talent is the fact that the idea of having an adult become a kid again is one that is completely original and has never been seen in film before. I'll be the first in line to see his new flick.

- TV needs more prime time cop dramas. I really don't know how we, the American public, get by with only having three to choose from in every half-hour block. More doctor shows, too. It's amazing how these genre's can have so much untapped potential.

- I can't get enough of the Subway $5 Footlong song. It's so catchy, and hearing the tune over and over never makes one feel like going Van Gogh on his own ear.

- The commercial for Life Alert features some of the greatest acting ever captured on film. We're talking about Oscar-worthy stuff. Al Pacino and Meryl Streep could be taking notes.

- The ideal neighbor when you live in an apartment with thin walls is one who is seemingly hearing impaired when her alarm clock is involved. Waking up to your neighbor's alarm each morning is undeniably pleasing, and the joy can extend for nearly 30 minutes as the neighborina's ears refuse to acknoledge the continual beeping of her waking device.

Wise men say...

Someone once said, "the customer is always right." Since that time, the phrase has become common in every service industry. Customers at the market? They're always right. At the gas station? Always right. Even folks in line to see Hannah Montana: The Movie? Yup, according to the genius who took this mantra mainstream, they're always right, too. It's a succinct phrase. It's a catchy phrase. Unfortunately, it's wrong.

This may come as a shock to some of you (especially those male readers whose wives have effectively altered their thinking*... I kid, I kid.), but no one is always right. Think about it. If I were to walk down the street to Buffalo Wild Wings, order some food to-go, and then tell the individual at the register that I'm going to pay $3 less than what my meal costs and walk out with my dinner, my request would not be granted. (Despite the fact that the food is ridiculously overpriced.) I could argue until my face was as red as the sauces that glaze those wings, but the counterfolk** would not give me my food until I paid the full price of my meal. In such a case, I (the customer) would not be right.

*Reason #432 why the author doesn't get many dates: Comments like this.

*People who work at a counter, obviously.

Thinking about these "words of wisdom" (if you did not read the quoted words with a sarcastic tone in mind, go back and re-read them. It really makes a difference that I think you'll appreciate.), made me realize that there are plenty of other sayings that are commonplace in our 21st century USA vernacular that make about as much sense as a tiger with a salad fork. It's time we expose these phrases as fraudulent and do what we can to eliminate them from the vocabulary of all that speak and are heard each day.*

*The Writings: Battling Nonsense with Nonsense

"The early bird gets the worm."
I am not a morning person. Oddly, I'm not a night person, either. Actually, if you really examine it, there's really only a three-hour-and-45-minute window (5:15 p.m. to 9 p.m.) that I would consider myself at my peak.. and that's only if I'm well-rested. Nevertheless, that is beside the point, as I also don't make a habit of hunting for worms... Unless I'm going fishing. Then again, I haven't been fishing for probably 12 years, so this point is also a moot one. Have you ever started a paragraph with a point in mind, but then, in the midst of that same paragraph, realized that you are not making any sense? Welcome to The Writings. Anyway, the point of all this, which I have not even flirted with at this time*, is that early birds are not the only ones that get worms. I have seen feathered creatures yanking worms from their earthy homes in the middle of the afternoon. Thus, stating that only "early birds" get worms is erroneous.

*The Writings: We play hard to get.

Simply put, this phrase should be changed to "Birds get worms*." Sure, this adjustment renders the statement useless in the world of motivating people to get an early start, but at least now it's true. (Plus, the idea of getting a worm really doesn't seem that motivating.)

*By this, we mean that birds hunt and eat worms. We're not speaking of stomach parasites infecting those with beaks and wings.


"I wish I could have been a fly on the wall..."
A recent blog entry by Joe Posnanski (a ridiculously skilled, award-winning writer for the KC Star. If you're not, you should be reading his blog and his columns... heck, even anything he scratches down on a napkin if you happen to see him in public.* Seriously, read it.), brought this phrase to mind recently. Are there really people out there that would like to be a fly on the wall in any setting? Do the positives of having the opportunity to overhear a conversation really outweigh the negatives of having your regular pastime be sifting through filth, living your life in constant fear of being swatted by a rolled up Entertainment Weekly, and knowing that you're only going to be alive for about a month?

It seems a better saying would be, "I wish I could have been an invisible person with very quiet footsteps..." Sure, being invisible is not (yet... dun dun dunnnnnn) a situation that is scientifically possible, but we are talking about a "wish" here. (Plus, at last check, morphing into a fly is not possible either. If only Calvin's Transmogrifier were ready for public distribution.)

*Disclaimer: We at The Writings do not condone stalking of any sort.


"Beating a dead horse."
Is it just me, or does this phrase seem to connotate the idea that beating a live horse is okay. Where's PETA when you need them?


"Piece of cake."/"Easy as pie."
It seems that some people out there find desserts to be excessively simple. I have never attempted making any sort of either confection, but I'm guessing I could find a way to screw them up. I'm not exactly Wolfgang Puck in the kitchen.

Because I don't appreciate the idea that I would probably set off my smoke alarm in finishing simple culinary processes, I think we need to disassociate desserts and simpleness. Instead, those wishing to convey the idea that an activity was not difficult can say, "Easy as finishing this very statement... The one that I'm speaking right now... Period." How easy is that?

"So easy, a baby could do it."
This phrase echoes the idea that anything a baby does is easy. I disagree. Over the weekend, I watched as my eight-month-old niece continually crawled across a hardwood kitchen floor and was consistently entertained by her own sneezes. As a young adult whose knees get sore when i think about kneeling, and who no longer finds sneezes to be fascinating and/or fun, I don't consider either of these tasks to be easy.

 
"It ain't over, til it's over."
Actually, I can't find any fault with this one. I just really needed something to close with.

It's over.

Number Crunching

Recently, The Writings conducted a survey about the NCAA men's basketball tournament Final Four. With the championship game now well in our past and the North Carolina Tar Heels cemented in history as champs, its time to examine the survey results.*

*If you're saying, "Actually, it would have made a lot more sense to examine these results right after championship game," you're a rather astute reader. However, you're also making me look kind of foolish. I hope there's no one around to listen to you.

Question 1 - Who will win the NCAA Tournament?

Results - One-third of the field correctly predicted that Tyler Hansbrough's natural "I'm very surprised" look would be prominently featured in the post-game "One Shining Moment" video package with UNC becoming National Champions. Unfortunately, half of respondents picked teams that did not even wind up in the championship game.

Conclusion - It seems my readers take after me. On the whole, they predict things with the precision of Robin of Locksley's arthritic grandmother.

Question 2 - Which team nickname would be the least creepy for a member of the opposite sex to call you?

Results - There was no clear winner, as Wildcat and Spartan split the vote evenly.

Conclusion - Note to self: It seems that calling a female "Huskie" is a bad idea. Who could have guessed that?

Question 3 - I would rather watch...

Results - The University of North Carolina wins another one, as alum Michael Jordan's Space Jam picked up 2/3 of the vote. MSU alum Magic Johnson's instructional video was the only choice that did not earn a single vote.

Conclusion - In the world of The Writings, playing basketball with a cartoon rabbit against aliens is cool. Learning fundamentals is not... That, or readers have seen Magic recently and realize that he doesn't look to be doing much running up and down the court himself.

Question 4 - My interest in the remaining games of the NCAA Tournament is best described as...

Results - There was no consensus. Answers encompassed the entire spectrum.

Conclusion - The readership is diverse when it comes to the world of sports. Some readers like nothing more than a good game, while others would rather watch highlights of a results show for "So You Think You Can Yodel While Tap Dancing and Shotgunning a Schlitz?"*

*Actually, I think that sounds like a pretty entertaining show. Can someone make that happen?

Question 5 - I know who Lastings Milledge and/or Justin Upton are/is.

Results - Alas, we have consensus, and it comes in the form of an overwhelming "no."

Conclusion - It seems normal people, (yes, dear reader, I consider you normal) are not concerned with knowing the starting lineups for the Washington Nationals or the Arizona Diamondbacks. While this is a bit startling, I will attempt to proceed.

Ques-... C'mon, you aren't even remotely interested in knowing that Milledge bats leadoff and plays centerfield for the Nationals? Or that Upton is a former No. 1 pick and starts for the Diamondbacks despite the fact that he's only 21? I think you're going to regret this when the two clubs meet in May.

...What do you mean you won't be watching?

Question 6 - I think this quiz was worthwhile, and I'd like to see more in the future. Yes or no?

Results - If we were in the midst of a game of Family Feud, you'd be feeling pretty good about picking "yes" as the top response.

Conclusion - People love providing their opinions... That, or readers like boosting my confidence after feeble attempts to try something new. Either way, I'll take it.

Question 7 - In seven words or less, describe a topic you'd like to like to see The Writings cover.

Results - I can't list them here. That would be like the writers of Lost coming out and saying what key plot twists are ahead in the series... Wait, no. That's not right, because the writers of Lost are actually talented. Nevertheless, I'm still going to refuse to release such sensitive information.

Conclusion - None, however I do have to speak on something else. As I type this, I have a nationally televised baseball game showing on my TV. A commentator in this very game is continually mispronouncing the name of one player. It's not even a difficult name to pronounce, yet he's butchering it as if he's attempting to speak Klingon or Elvish. Perhaps I am a bit idealistic, but I would think that one might double-check name pronunciations when he or she knows that they'll be mentioning said names on national television. Honestly, it's like posting something on the World Wide Web without proper editing.

... Oh, nevermind.

Question 8 - In one sentence, word, or incoherent fragment, type anything... seriously anything...

Results - Responses ranged from the very literal ("I am typing anything... seriously anything"), to quick-hitting ("beets" and "poop") to suggestions for the future ("multiple choice only").

Conclusion - The reader participation is valued, and I hope to have more of it in the future... That, and apparently one reader has a finger condition that makes it difficult to type, but not to click things with a mouse. We wish him a speedy recovery.

Attention Deficit Writing

While stopped at a stoplight the other day, I noticed something strange. A middle-aged man on a motorcycle was making a left turn from the cross street to my right. As he turned, he gave a head nod to one, and only one person. He acknowledged no one else. I glanced to my left to see who this nod-worthy being was. Was it an elder he was respecting. Maybe someone semi-famous or perhaps a soldier? Nope. The lucky recipient of acknowledgement was just some younger guy, also on a motorcycle. I'm sorry*, but is there some kind of code that Mr. Borntobewild was following? Do motorcycle owners have to sign waivers saying they'll only acknowledge fellow bikers? Naturally, I've put too much thought into this. We better move on to other things occupying too much space in my head.

*I'm not really sorry. There's really nothing to be sorry about. Forgive my usage of common language standards that really don't make sense if examined... Now I guess I am sorry.

- The Royals are 2-1 after topping the White Sox today. In three games this year, KC's starting pitching has been so good that it makes one want to laugh hysterically (or cry uncontrollably) about the fact that Scott Elarton (5.29 career ERA... if you don't know baseball, just know that number isn't good) started for the Royals on Opening Day just three years ago. While the pitching, aside from one reliever whose name rhymes with barns-girth, has been stellar, the offense has been lacking. Unfortunately, I'm guessing the boys in blue may have to score more than two runs to pick up a victory on several occasions this season. Nevertheless, one should not complain about topping a division rival in the first series of the season.

- Is there anything more frustrating that waking up earlier than you need to and not being able to get back to sleep? Anything? For some reason, despite the fact that i was legitimately tired, I was stricken with such an issue last night. Upon waking up, it seemed that every sound was amplified as if it were being broadcast via bullhorn. I tossed. I turned. I put a pillow over my head to attempt to cut down on the noise. All of this, yet sleep did not come. Often when this is the case, it's because thoughts are running loose in my head like wild dingos in the Austrailian Outback. Oddly, last night the main thought in my mind was, "Hey, stupid*, go back to sleep."

*I'm mean when I'm tired.

- I have to mention the Ben Folds concert I had the opportunity to attend on Wednesday evening. It was fantastic; well worth the price of admission. Even the opening act, Jukebox the Ghost, exceeded expectations. A trio featuring a pianist, lead guitar, and drummer, Jukebox the Ghost's (JtG, since we at The Writings are hip) style somewhat resembled that of Folds himself. Their tunes were fun and, with the crowd on its feet as they left the stage, JtG certainly helped gear the crowd up for the evening's main attraction. Alas, Mr. Folds was not the next performer. An a capella group from St. Louis took the stage next. They got in the audience's good graces by opening with a Ben Folds song, going as far as including a beatbox specialist (although he had a bit of an Opie look to him). A couple seemingly endless songs later (sorry, but this group was no Here Comes Treble*), the Hart Foundation** exited stage left (or is that stage right? No, it's left... I think), and - after a lengthy sound check - it was time to rock... well, rock as much as one can when a piano is involved.

*I know at least two readers get that reference.

**This was definitely not the group's name, but I don't recall what it actually was. I figure, when in doubt, go with the name of a classic WWF faction.

From the first strike of a hammer on a piano cord, Folds had the crowd wrapped around his rapid-fire fingers. He played songs from his newest album, classics from the days of Ben Folds Five, and even a couple songs that were created with the sole intention of misleading folks into thinking they were tracks leaked from his most recent album.

If this concert accomplished anything, it confirmed the idea in my head that Folds is a musical genius. He rigged his piano with Altoids tins to give it an eerie, almost Nintendo-esque sound for the song Free Coffee. He improvised a song about a fly he saw on stage, and even worked in some "second grade jokes" in the midst of it. His work on the piano keys is unbelivable - something one might not expect considering that, at different points in the evening, he played with his foot, forearm, elbows, and piano stool. Overall, it was simply an excellent evening.


- You may notice a new link on the top left portion of the page. That will take you to a page where you can view things I post on Associated Content. You should probably check it out.*

*The Writings: We're all about shameless self-promotion.

What rhymes with Ichiro?

Well, after submitting a poem about The Office in a call for content on Associated Content, I'm feel like keeping this whole "thinking in verse" thing going. (Seriously, the rhymes are flowing.) The question is, what can I spit some rhymes* about? (Most likely a topic without much clout.) Faithful readers will attest that my baseball fanaticism may be taken further than it should be. (Faithful readers? That may be just me.) They'll also tell you that I enjoy making horrendous predictions that don't have a Hershey's-at-fat-camp chance of coming true. (If by this you're offended, please don't sue.) Stir all these details in a pot and you get the inaugural edition of "The Writings Opening Day Poetry Jam"... I mean it. (Anybody want a peanut?)**

*Note to self: The phrase "spit some rhymes" may work well for rappers making millions of dollars, but it doesn't quite fit for a mid-western writer whose stanzas rival those submitted in 10th-grade English classes. Drop it.

**Thank you to the genius writers of The Princess Bride for this last rhyme, along with the general premise of that entire paragraph. Sorry to those same genius writers for butchering their shtick.


National League East
Meet the Mets, Meet the Mets,
It's guaranteed someone will defeat Mets;
They choked away divisional leads each of the last two seasons,
They addressed their bullpen in the offseason, thinking relievers were the reasons.
I apologize to those in Queens, but this is how I call it,
The fellas in Philly will win it again, despite your enormous wallet.
Alas, Met fans, don't go thinking that your poor franchise is cursed,
You'll make the playoffs as the Wild Card, giving you a few more games before your bubble bursts.

National League Central
It seems that last year, for no good reason,
I picked against the Cubs;
I wrote them off and picked the Astros,
basically considering the Cubbies schlubs.
2009 is a new year,
a time for setting things right;
This season, the Cubs are my pick in the Central,
instead of choosing someone else out of spite.
Fueled by Soriano, their lineup is strong,
And their pitching staff can turn a few heads;
However the main reason I picked them,
is because I could not convince myself to pick the Reds.

National League West
"Manny being Manny." Wow, that refrain will never stop,
I can't stand he or the Dodgers, so I hope they're a flop.
The Rockies dumped their best player, and the Giants' lineup is a joke,
The Padres remind me of a AAA squad, (I could also cite some Royals' teams whose memories they evoke)
Just one team remains, and it's one that won't make traffic halt,
Arizona wins by two sweet words, as Homer Simpson would say "de fault."

American League East
If you're a bird in the AL East, you're pretty much out of luck,
The Blue Jays and Orioles stand no chance, some might say they're... in trouble*
The Rays, the Yankees, and the Sox, which one will it be?
Here's a vote for the Red Sox to take it, with the Rays getting the Wild Card seed.
But what about the Yankees, and their personal stimulus plan?
They'll serve as models for the rest of the league, in determining which stimulants to ban.

*This edit brought to you by the Censor's Association of America.

American League Central
The Royals... No, I can't.
The Royals... Wait, I won't.
Unbridled optimism tells me to pick them,
but the fact that I'm horrible with predictions tells me "don't!"
They have a legitimate shot,
there's no standout in the group,
but I fear that the moment I pick them,
to unbelievable depths they'll stoop.
Injuries could strike, the pitching could falter,
Alex Gordon could get the bird flu,
What the heck, who am I trying to kid by picking anyone different?
KC wins the division by two.

American League West
Nothing much here, the Angels will win,
you see, the rest of the division is McLovin thin.
There's really not much else to say, though there's space to fill,
I thought about attempting to rhyme "Ichiro," but that seems to be an unclimbable hill.

Playoffs
Eight teams will have a chance at the World Series,
but only two will succeed,
We'll begin by eliminating the Diamondbacks,
They have a few too many areas of need.
Alas, the Royals don't make the cut,
So they're crossed off the list,
You can also say goodbye to the Angels,
although Danny Glover will be missed.
I don't see the Phillies making a return,
so that cuts us down to four,
Cubs vs. Mets and Red Sox vs. Rays,
what do the league championships have in store?
The young Rays are a year older and wiser,
they'll drop the Red Sox in six;
Meanwhile the Cubbies will finally return to the Series,
causing much joy near ivy covered bricks.
The Rays were part of Major League expansion,
just 11 years ago;
While the Chicago club has seen three different centuries and 27 presidents,
and enough bad luck to make the Washington Generals say "whoa."
Is this the year? Could this be it?
Will the Cubs finally be champs again?
Not if Upton, Longoria and crew have their say,
Look for the Rays to win.

Here's Your Sign

Driving home today on the tail of an impromptu weekend trip, I noticed a sign on an interstate off-ramp. It was situated so that any drivers that might erroneously attempt to use this off-ramp for "on" purposes would notice it. The message of the sign is a simple one. It simply says, "WRONG WAY."* I support the message this sign is getting across, as it seems that driving against the flow of traffic could result in very few positive outcomes. In fact, other than working to sharpen the reflexes of the offending driver and those law abiding drivers with terrified looks on their faces, I can think of no gains whatsoever that might be drawn from such a loss of direction. Nevertheless, I wonder if a better sign could be created for the purpose of diverting errant-minded vehicles. Can we replace WRONG WAY with something that is both more effective and aesthetically pleasing?

What's wrong with "WRONG WAY"? Well, first of all, it's not really even a complete thought. With signs like "STOP" and "YIELD" the reader is being directly told to act in a certain manner. The "You should.." in the thought is implied, creating a complete thought. I don't see the "WRONG WAY" sign in the same manner... especially if the reader continues to operate with the thought that signs imply "You should..."

It also seems to me that anyone who makes the mistake of going the wrong way on an off-ramp (or on-ramp, for that matter) deserves to have the matter rubbed in his or her face. If they're going to learn not to do it again (and 13 near-accidents have no effect) they're going to have to be spoken to in a manner that will be memorable. What follows are my suggestions (to be submitted to the department of transportation at a later date) for successors to the WRONG WAY sign. If you have any suggestions, please pass them along.

- If you don't see anything wrong with this situation, please pull over, grab your driver's license, chuck it out your window, and prepare your thumb for hitchhiking. Driving is not for you.

- If you are reading this, you may not be reading much longer. Consider making an evasive maneuver.

- You know those people that slow down to look at car accidents? They might be checking out your vehicle soon.

- Your horoscope for the day: If you continue the path you're on, things will get much worse before they're any better.

- Hey, Goober. Turn around.