So if the Groundhog hadn't seen his shadow, what would these Olympics be called?

Recent scuttlebutt has surrounded the fact the NBC's coverage of the 2010 Winter Olympics has about as impressive as a broken gravy boat.

While the analogy doesn't really make any sense*, it doesn't really matter, as most readers probably closed their browsers once they saw that I had used the word "scuttlebutt." For those that are still reading, thanks. Now, let's get to the meat
and potatoes*.

*Or whatever the Vancouverian equivalent is... Something measured metrically, no doubt.

I have read that the Olympic coverage thus far - due to poor commentary, few live events, and a lack of abominable snowmen -
has been subpar. I haven't paid attention, partly because I find the games about as exciting as watching snow melt, and partly because - as long-time readers know - ice is my sworn enemy.  Nevertheless, because the games are keeping quality programming like Parks and Rec and The Office off the air tonight, I figured I would check in on the competition that best indicates what nation will rule the world once the next Ice Age* hits.

*That's the actual geological period, not the movies that get progressively worse with each sequel.

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Lindesy Vonn, you've probably heard of her. She's the blonde, swimsuit-modeling, American skier who is participating in these games despite the fact that one leg is attached by just two tendons. It's a story of true courage... Wait... What? She only is suffering from a sore shin? Why has she been forced down America's throat like a non-Flintstone vitamin?

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One NBC commentator just referred to a skier that crashed yesterday but is returning to ski again today as "a true champion." this proves I know nothing about the Winter Olympics. I had no idea that Horrific Crashing was an event you could medal in.

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More annoying: Shaun White or Carrot Top?

And why are they showing a Shaun White interview instead of an actual Olympic event?

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How long before we see a horrific injury in the skiing slalom courtesy some joker replacing once of the slalom poles with an iron tetherball pole? It has to happen, right?

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45 minutes into the evenings Olympic coverage, I think I've seen as many commercials as were shown in the last three Super Bowls combined. Guess we know how NBC is paying off the Conan O'Brien settlement.

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It's well documented (by me, as well as at least one nurse practitioner) that I have the balance of an inebriated emu. As a result, I have to wonder how far down this slalom hill I could make it on a pair of skis.

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The answer: However far my initial fall would take me.

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Vonn takes a spill in the slalom thanks to what a broadcaster calls "a classic hooked tip." At least it wasn't one of those "atypical hooked tips." 

It's very clear that I have no clue what I'm referring to. It's also very clear that Syracuse is playing Georgetown and is only ahead by two with three minutes left.

So long, Olympics.

Lessons Learned

It's Saturday evening, and I'm in the midst of watching the Chiefs look particularly feeble in a preseason match up against the Miami Dolphins (yes, the same Dolphins that won just a single game last season). Naturally, I need something else to occupy my thoughts.

Today also marks the second-to-last day of my "vacation," as I return to the office on Monday. (Insert chorus of "boooooooo"s here.) With that in mind, I figured I should try to sum up things that I've learned over the past few days.


From the Olympics:

- Team handball is an excellent spectator sport.

- Platform diving is not.

- Marathon runners are shameless litterers. Sure, you're running a race, but can't you at least look for a recycling bin to toss that water bottle into?


From Mother Nature:

- Mind melting heat is not the only downside of the summer months. Even when it's not present, hordes of allergens can make you long for late October. (Notice I didn't mention looking forward to winter... You're still on my list, ice.)


From my calendar:

- I'm older.


From my four-week old niece:

- Days are best spent sleeping, with occasional breaks for eating or getting cleaned up.

- Passing gas can actually be cute.

- Words are not necessary for communication. All that's needed are a variety of facial expressions, combined with sighs, grunts, and cries.

- Dressing yourself is for suckers.


From the Chiefs game:

- Offenses can't be run if the offensive line cannot block. (Crazy thought, I know.)

- If this game is any indication, I may need to have things other than football occupy my thoughts for most of the Fall.

The Olympics and Bigfoot - Together at Last

-- In the world of South Park, Gerald Broflovski once had a dolphinplasty. It seemed like a fun, completely fictional idea... but now I'm beginning to wonder. After all, I've been watching a lot of Olympic swimming lately and it seems that world records are being broken a... well, record pace. (Is there a world record for most world records broken within a certain period of time?)

Is it possible that swimmers around the globe are being surgically or genetically modified so that they're now part dolphin? I'm not accusing anyone of anything. I just want to see how they all react if a bucket of fish is brought into the Water Cube.


-- Is it just me, or do Olympic gymnastics announcers get a little too excited? Sure, that double-tuck, triple-lindy, 23-skidoo roundoff* was neat, but there's no need to yell.

*It's at this point that you realize that I know absolutely nothing about gymnastics. If my gymnastics aptitude was tested, the score may actually wind up in the negatives. Then again, the test would probably be judged and not graded, so who knows how it would end up.


-- I'm not sure who the official DJ for the Olympic games in Beijing is (Jazzy Jeff would be my pick), but all the tunes heard in the background definitely have a United Statesian flavor. Not only that, but the song selection seems questionable, at best. Does Billy Squire's The Stroke really reflect feelings of international camaraderie or the spirit of competition?


-- If this does not excite you, you may want to head to a doctor immediately. No, I don't expect any sort of evidence that could actually prove that bigfeet (obviously, herds of bigfoot) exist. I just want to see what people are trying to pass off as a bigfoot.

On another note, what's with the laziness in naming the bigfoot? He has big feet, sure, I get it, but elephants have big ears. Giraffes have long necks. My head is much larger than it should be. Yet, these characteristics don't determine our names.** If people want bigfeet to be taken seriously, maybe it's time they got a more respectable name... You know, like the jackass.

**This marks the first time I have ever grouped myself with elephants or giraffes... Quite an historic occasion.

Copyright Derek D. Larson

Tales of obsessive announcers, the dark side of the Olympics, and a summer cold

Mid-August is a great time for vacations. Mine starts next week... Unfortunately, my immune system decided to take off a week early. As a result, I'm dealing with a sore throat and congestion in the midst of summer. Awesome.

My antibodies displaying as much fight as the Washington Generals aside, tonight marks an interesting Monday evening. Monday Night Football returns, and showcases the Packers' debut everyone will be talking about. Yes, I'm referring to the young offensive player trying to fill the clown-sized shoes of a legend. That's right, wide receiver Jordy Nelson will line up at wide receiver, with former Packer Koren Robinson nowhere to be seen.

Also on tap in these twilight hours will be a smorgasbord of Olympic events, direct from Beijing. In true American fashion, I know little about several Olympic events, but I'll root for my fellow citizens as if they are my next of kin.

On to the evening's thoughts...

- The Monday Night Football announcers follow the recent trend of anointing one particular former Packers' quarterback as the most significant person to ever stand on solid ground. I'm beginning to wonder if Aaron Rodgers has legally changed his name to "Brett Favre's Replacement, That Other Guy."

- Why didn't Don Majkowski get this sort of love? The guy was on Tecmo Super Bowl.

- There is a dark side to the Olympics, and it comes in the form of a Speedo. Listen, synchronized divers, the fact that you can jump off a high-dive and mimic the mid-air twists and turns of your teammate does not make wearing a skimpy pair of swimtrunks (minus the trunks) permissible. If the event was getting people everywhere to change the channel, you'd all win gold.

- Seeingly realizing the error of their ways, the National Broadcasting Company switched to women's beach volleyball immediately after I finished the previous paragraph... It's as if my voice has been heard. Thank you, NBC.

- Illustrating a previous point, the cameras at Lambeau Field just showed a fan's #4 Packers jersey with "God" written in the name block. This marks the first time I can recall readily expecting a stadium to be struck by lightning.

- On tap directly following women's beach volleyball? Men's gymnastics... You win some, you lose some.

- I continue to get the impression that popular opinion in the world of professional football is that Brett Favre would have created the heavens and Earth in just five days, and would have led a fourth-quarter comeback, won a hot dog eating contest, and rescued a puppy, a baby, and a geriatric from a house fire on the sixth.

- Meanwhile, judging from another self-promoting interview, Bengals receiver Chad Johnson may think that he could have accomplished all of that in three days, and then capped it off with touchdown celebration that sportscasters would spend pointless hours dissecting.

- This just in: Michael Phelps can swim pretty fast. Nonetheless, reports that he is related to Flipper remain unconfirmed at this time.

- Just heard on a professional wrestling program: a quote from Ronald Reagan... This is what you might call "not connecting with your core audience."

- Just heard during the football broadcast, "Favre-ity favre favre favre. Favrer, favre-ish, favre, favre, favre."*

*Quote may not be 100-percent accurate.

- In other news, the newest iteration of Madden Football is being released at midnight. News states that a former Packers quarterback is on the cover, but I want to go check to make sure there is not actually a picture of me gracing the case. It certainly seems like I'm in the middle of the "Madden Curse" right now.